we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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