My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
