We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
