So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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