Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
