everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
