Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
