you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
