awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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