Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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