My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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