Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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