In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
