I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
