He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Drunk is not a location!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
