I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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