Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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