Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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