I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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