My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
