My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
