I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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