I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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