I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
