He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
