everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
