i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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