I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
