i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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