I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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