you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
