I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
