I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
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