Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
is wine microwaveable?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
