My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
