i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
