Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize