I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
