im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
barbara walters just said penis...
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
