I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
