I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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