Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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