Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize