Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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