so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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