My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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