Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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