Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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