Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
