why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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