this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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