I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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