so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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