I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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