All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
