I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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